Life after Covid - an ongoing journey

  Today the black dog, that appears to be becoming more and more a part of my world feels so intense. So many time's i've almost cried for absolutely no good reason. I mean, i'm not sure I need a reason but it feels so ridiculously illogical and that brings a wave of frustration with it. Scrolling through facebook before work this morning and across many pages an article about new variants of covid appearing. followed by hundreds, and hundreds of comments claiming conspiracy theories, fake news, and discussing how they have zero intention of taking the advised extra precautions.  I felt sick. angry, sad. Covid is not fake news. It's not a conspiracy theory to make people behave a certain way. Covid is brutal, cruel, and raging. It has taken all the bits of me that I thought i knew and understood and now I feel like I'm a stranger in my own body. My bones hurt. My breathing is exhausting and difficult. My head throbs none stop. My ears ring with tinnitus. I'm diz...

 That moment when it dawns on you that it's a new working week. A new week of trying to battle this horrific heavy and overwhelming fatigue. There were absolutely tears shed for a few moments this morning. Lying in bed wanting to move, needing to move, but everything was so , well the best way to describe it is dead ! heavy, drained and just too much. Breathing is playing up again today so feel like I've forever got my inhaler in my mouth !  I'm now sat in work. It's my lunch break, half an hour just isn't enough for how I feel today ! I need a good hour and a comfy bed and a big nap ! the reality is that I'll sit forcing myself to just breathe and be still for half an hour in the hope it regenerates something !  I started taking antihistamines today, I've read a lot of people find they help with the fatigue and brain fog. I don't feel like I have anything to lose so it's worth a shot ! Hopefully the GP will ring over the next could of days to dis...

 Back to the hospital today for a chest x-ray, it's literally the last place I want to be and I feel very anxious about being in there. Knowing how much I was moved around the hospital from dept to dept whilst I was in and positive with fairly little precautions for anyone else I'm now really panicking about coming close to someone else with it whilst I am there !  My breathing is still really bad and i'm so out of breath on such minimal movement. Even eating and drinking leaves me breathless. On discharge it was noted that the MRI scan showed my heart was enlarged too. Terrified about what this all means for the future healthwise. My heart is constantly racing now which isn't helping the fatigue !  I want answers but i'm not sure I am ready for them ! This is all so uncertain, so scary, and still hearing so many people talk about Covid like it's just a cold. Stating it's not even bad.  I am glad they don't really know but I also wish that they did . I w...

 There has been a real felt pressure societally that when life throws you lemons you just make lemonade. You should accept your challenges and make the most of them.  That is rubbish. Sometimes it feels crappy, unfair, hard. Why when it feels this way do we still have to put on our positive pants. Today for example, I hurt from head to toe, tinnitus ringing in my ears, headache, breathing is painful, fatigue equivalent to feeling like I'm being sat on by a herd of elephants and heart is racing. If I'm open and honest about this it's seen as moaning, being negative, letting it win or attention seeking. But it's none of those things. I simply want to acknowledge that today I don't feel positive I feel sad, isolated, and unwell. Tomorrow may feel different but today that's just how I feel and that should be ok to be honest about !  I don't wanna make lemonade from today's lemons I want to chuck them at the next person that tells me to cheer up ! :)  

 Fast forward to April 2022. Life has changed so much since those early days.  My marriage ended, I have a new job, I finished a degree. Covid is still very much a fear yet it's become a fear that people feel they can live with and alongside. Very few take precautions now and all restrictions have been lifted.  I had still been wearing a mask in busy places, staying away and although the fear wasn't the same, or anxiety the same it was always lingering. But I suppose along that there was an almost acceptance that this was going to reach us all at some point and there had to be a balance to still live and not hide away forever just incase !  I had been suffering with recurring kidney infections for 4 weeks so had been feeling pretty rubbish. On the Monday I was so tired and kept going cold so I did a lateral flow before going into work just incase - It was negative - huge relief ! Must just be the kidney infection.  Tuesday I had been working from home, after wor...

 I remember so clearly watching those early daily briefings when Covid started to hit the country, Boris soon announcing that for some people this virus would need to be treated differently and they would need to "shield". Instantly knowing that with my level of wonkiness there was a fair chance i'd be carted into this category i remember feeling a little disgruntled feeling that it would be an absolute inconvenience.  Over the coming weeks that reality turned to a deep rooted anxiety and fear. Constant text messages from the government - I'll never forget one of the early ones stating that I should not leave the house but could open a window - What am I ? a cat ?? ! these then moved to allow us (shielders) to go into our gardens as long as we were near no one else. We should remain 3 metres from anyone we share a home with, not share towels or cutlery etc .... this all felt insane ! I have 4 children and at this time lived with my husband. Did they think we all lived...